Our Kindness Has More Impact Than We Realize

Photo by Logan Voss on Unsplash

Most of us understand the value of kindness. From early childhood, we're taught to share, to consider others' feelings, and to offer help when needed. Our parents, teachers, and religious traditions emphasize the importance of treating others with compassion. We are moved by stories that showcase this positive side of humanity. We recognize how it strengthens our relationships, workplaces, and communities, and typically regret those moments when we've been less kind than we could have been. And yet, even when acts of kindness are easy to perform and we feel motivated to do them, sometimes we hold back. Instead of putting our kind intentions into action, we stop ourselves from making the seemingly small gestures that could brighten other people's days. 

Psychologists Nicholas Epley and Amit Kumar have been researching this prosociality paradox and have discovered one compelling reason for the gap between what we want to do and what we actually do. In a series of experiments, these scholars found that we consistently and significantly underestimate the positive impact our acts of kindness have on recipients. In one study, for example, participants wrote letters expressing gratitude to people who had made a difference in their lives. After writing these letters, participants predicted how recipients would respond, and then the researchers (with permission) contacted the recipients to measure their actual reactions. While the letter writers expected recipients would feel positive, the actual recipients reported feeling substantially more positive than the letter writers anticipated. The letter writers also overestimated how awkward recipients would feel. 

The researchers replicated this effect across diverse contexts such as MBA students performing random acts of kindness, strangers giving hot chocolate to others at an ice skating rink, people sending kind notes to friends, and individuals offering compliments to their romantic partners.

What explains this consistent miscalibration? The researchers discovered that there is a fundamental perspective gap between those performing kind acts and those receiving them. When performing a kind act, we naturally focus on aspects of the act that reflect our competence. We worry about whether we chose the right gift, worded our message perfectly, or timed our gesture appropriately. Recipients, in contrast, focus primarily on the warmth conveyed by the act. They appreciate the simple fact that someone cared enough to do something nice for them. In other words, while we fret about the details, recipients are moved by the intention.

In one revealing experiment, the researchers created two conditions. In the first, people received a cupcake specifically as an act of kindness from another person who could have kept it for themselves but chose to give it away instead. In the second condition, people received the exact same cupcake, but were told they were simply receiving it as part of their participation in the study. Those who received the cupcake as an act of kindness felt significantly better than those who received it as part of the experiment. However, when other participants were asked to predict how recipients would feel in each scenario, they didn't anticipate this difference. This shows we fail to recognize the added value that comes from the warmth and thoughtfulness behind a kind gesture.

Perhaps most striking is that this kindness effect extends well beyond the immediate emotional reaction of the recipient. In one experiment, the researchers measured what happened after people received an act of kindness. They found that individuals who received a gift framed explicitly as a kind gesture (rather than as a routine part of the study) were significantly more likely to behave generously toward a completely different person later on. In other words, kindness appears to be contagious. When someone experiences the warmth of kindness, they become more likely to extend that warmth to others, creating ripples of generosity that spread far beyond the initial interaction.

These findings suggest that the barrier to kindness often isn't a lack of motivation but rather a misunderstanding of its impact. Our worries about execution competence loom large in our minds while recipients simply appreciate the warmth behind our actions. In addition, the fact that the original giver rarely gets to witness the chain reaction their initial act sparks may contribute to their underestimation of its positive impact.

So how might we apply these insights to our daily lives? First, we can intentionally shift our focus from the competence of our kind acts to the warmth they convey. Instead of worrying about finding the perfect words in a note of appreciation, we can remember that the simple act of expressing gratitude is what truly matters. When hesitating to reach out to someone going through a difficult time, we can recognize that our support will likely mean more than we imagine, regardless of how eloquently it's expressed. The research suggests that even imperfectly executed kindness is far more meaningful than kindness withheld.

We might also benefit from reflecting on our own experiences as recipients of kindness. Think about a time when someone did something thoughtful for you. Did you scrutinize their execution, or were you simply touched by their consideration? Remembering our own positive responses to others' kindness can help calibrate our expectations when we're the ones giving.

We can also practice small kindness experiments in our daily lives. We can deliberately perform acts of kindness and pay attention to recipients' responses. This might help us update our expectations to better align with reality.

Finally, we should strive to recognize that the impact of our actions likely extends far beyond what we directly witness. A simple gesture might brighten someone's day, and then inspire them to help another person, creating a cascade of goodwill we'll never see. By appreciating this potential ripple effect, we can better understand the true value of even small kind acts.

Our society currently faces numerous social challenges such as social distrust, loneliness, political polarization and pessimism about our shared future that I believe could be helped by better appreciating our common humanity and engaging in efforts, even small ones, to connect with others. Perhaps this research can help. By understanding and overcoming our tendency to undervalue kindness, we can remove an unnecessary psychological barrier to meaningful connection at a time when our society desperately needs it. A little good, it seems, goes an unexpectedly long way.

Have a great weekend!

Clay