Building Better Holiday Memories
With Christmas falling on Thursday this year, I decided to publish Flourishing Friday a bit early as a special edition that might be particularly helpful for anyone whose relationship with the holidays has been challenging and is looking to change how they experience this season.
For many of us, the holidays bring excitement and joy. We look forward to celebrating with family and friends, sharing meals, exchanging gifts, and creating new memories together. But it is important to recognize that this season can also be difficult for people. Some are grieving the loss of a loved one, going through a tough time in their life, or carrying painful holiday memories. Others are alone, and the cultural emphasis on togetherness can make their solitude feel even more pronounced. Those of us who look forward to this season should think about ways we can reach out to people who might be struggling during this time. With that in mind, I want to share an insight from a conversation I had while working on my book Past Forward.
During the book writing process, I talked to as many people as I could about their nostalgic experiences. I wanted to go beyond the academic research and learn about the different ways individuals use nostalgia in their daily lives. In one of these conversations, I spoke with someone who told me that Christmas was his absolute favorite holiday. He described the joy he feels during the season with such enthusiasm that I naturally assumed he must have wonderful childhood Christmas memories. But to my surprise, he told me the opposite. His childhood was very difficult. His father was abusive and there was constant conflict in his home. His personal Christmas memories are not happy ones at all.
But what he said next captures something powerful about the social and cultural nature of nostalgia. Even though Christmas was unhappy for him as a child, he said he knew it should have been different. From hearing other people share their experiences and from watching television shows and movies, he understood that Christmas was supposed to be a time of warmth, joy, and family connection. He saw what the holiday could be, even if that wasn’t his reality. And this understanding empowered him. He made a determination. As he got older and eventually started his own family, he committed himself to making Christmas a joyful experience for his children and everyone else around him.
In other words, he borrowed nostalgic memories from other people and from popular culture. This allowed him to see Christmas in a completely different way and to approach it with greater agency. He recognized that today’s actions become tomorrow’s memories and he was determined to build new nostalgic memories for the future.
Research supports what this story illustrates. Nostalgic memories don’t need to be our own to provide psychological benefits. For example, a study published in the journal Memory found that when individuals read nostalgic stories written by other people, it increased nostalgic feelings in them. Importantly, along with these feelings came the psychological benefits associated with nostalgia such as a greater sense of meaning in life.
This helps explain historical nostalgia, which is nostalgia for eras before our lifetime. In our research at the Archbridge Institute’s Human Flourishing Lab, we found that most Americans have nostalgic feelings for eras that predate them and find this helpful for managing their present stress and anxiety about the future.
If you find the holidays difficult because your own memories from this time aren’t happy, seek out stories from people whose holiday experiences resonate with how you want to feel. Pay attention to the cultural narratives, traditions, and values that speak to what the holidays could be. Use these borrowed nostalgic resources to create new experiences and build the memories you want for yourself and others. The past matters, but you decide how to use it to shape your future.
Happy Holidays!
Clay